inside.my.mind

It has been awhile since I have posted and a lot has gone on.  People have decided to no longer be my friend.  I guess that is fine, I just would have thought that would be my choice, but does not seem to be the case.  I honestly don’t understand how that works.

Guess I might as well get this out of the way, I have ask Sis to be moved out of the apartment by August 27th.  It is a very long story that I don’t really want to go into.  It is the best thing for me.  I need to live alone or with people who I can trust and respect me and I just don’t have that with her at this point.  It was a very hard decision, but it really will be the best for me.

I am offically 27 now and feeling much older after the last week or so.  I honestly can’t believe everything that has happen.  I don’t know how to express the way it make me feel.  I think what really amazes me is how many people don’t seem to see the real issue in what has been going on, such is life I guess.

I want to write so much more about how I feel, but this is not the place to do it.  I would turn to my journal like I normaly do for stuff like this, but I honestly don’t feel safe writing things in it any more.  It is NOT fair that all this has been taken from me.  I did not do anything WRONG!

Just wanted to quickly say thank you to everyone who came Saturday night.  I have a lot of fun and it was great having everyone together to hang out!  So thank you everyone!  Extra special thank you to Leah and Mandy for all their hard work and hosting!

I have so really wonderful friends!

I really can’t wait for this weekend to get here.  Just thinking about it makes me feel special.

For some reason I ended up ready twenty minutes earlier than normal, so I thought I would take a few of those minutes to blog.

This week has been crazy in so many ways.  Mostly because of the things I alluded to in my last post.  Unfortunately I can’t do anything about it.  I just have to wait and see what happens, at least in the short term.  I am working on a long term solution, at least for a portion of it.  I guess that is enough cryptic talk for one morning.

Luckily work, for the first week in a LONG time, has been really calm.  I have been out the door at four pretty much every day this week.  Maybe it is to balance out all the other stuff that has been going on.  I have not been productive with my extra time, but really I have just been doing things keep my focus away from the crap.

It is Friday!  I am so ready for this weekend to be here.  I don’t really have anything planned, other than a trip to the bank on Saturday.  I need to catch up on BSG, so maybe I will find time to do that as well.  I have been out of town the last couple of weekend, so really it is going to be nice to not have the traveling headaches.

This weekend was pretty freking screwed up. I am not even going to talk about it. I am sure more than should already know what is going on. Wish I could say it was over, but I am not so sure it is.

Luckily had a few good things in the mix. Got to see some of the family even it was completely and totally busy. Got to drive faster on a little back road than is safe. Rode a dirt bike a bit, seems I have reverted to being not so good that it. Got to see some people acting crazy. Fun stuff!

I took Friday so I could have a four day weekend.  It was great.  I spend most of Friday in Cookeville with Leah.  We had lunch with Kevin which was a lot of fun as always.  Friday night we headed to the boat were the rest of the weekend was spent.

Friday night after we unloaded everything and said our hellos to Mandy, who beat us there, we took a ride around the lake.  It was a bit cool out, but very pretty.

Saturday morning I woke up about six and went for a run.  When I got back everyone was still in bed so I grabbed the camera and headed off walking around the lake.  It was a nice morning walk and it was wonderful to be out taking photos.  Sis joined us sometime late Friday night and Mom got there at some point Saturday morning.  We all just relaxed and enjoyed the time together.  One of Mandy’s coworkers came with her family and they all went out on the lake and I stayed and talked with Mom.  It was a very slow and relaxing day.  After everyone went to be I walked over to the old boat ramp and laid and looked at the stars for I don’t know how long, I even saw one shooting star.

Sunday Leah and Heather joined us.  They got to see me freaking out getting pulled behind the boat on a tub thing with Mandy and then Leah.  I was in a pretty strange mood Sunday.  When I get like that I do and say things that normally I would not.  I never know how to feel when it passes and I think about the fool I have made of myself, for my college people think 2 am in KY with DP.

Monday I had to come back home to wash clothes and get food for the week and all that other adult crap that I was able to escape for the weekend.  Nothing really to talk about for the rest of Monday, other than it stormed really bad and I was glad to not be stuck out in it.

Today was back to work which is never fun.  Not to mention I had to face the ramifications of not watching myself this weekend.  I ate whatever was there and drank a 12 pack of caffeinated drinks.  I gained 8 pounds and was unable to sleep very well last night.  Now I have to start working to lose the weight and endure the headache that is coming from having that much caffeine and going back to none.

This weekend, after almost four years in Nashville, I drove a bit on the Natchez Trace Parkway.  It is a very beautiful place to drive, but I must say it would be better with a car full of nature loving friends.  Living in this area it has been a long time since I have been on a road for more than a mile and not pass another car, this happen to me a few times while on the parkway.

I stopped at one place and hiked about a mile and a half to an overlook.  The hike took me though a beautiful forest.  This place was just awesome.  I wanted to capture it, but there so much that I could not have done it justice with a camera.  Something just have to be seen with your own eyes to really understand it.  I took a couple of pictures just trying to get something of this perfect place, but it was terrible.

I was on the Parkway while Leah and Mandy were at a party thing.  When I was finished driving I went back to there place, I was just going to relax and watch some TV, but I decided to go for a run since I would be able to check my distance for once.  It turns out I am doing better than I thought I was.  Compared to all the people I know it is still really not that great, but I made it 2.4 miles.  I was thinking that I was doing at most a mile, so very pleasant surprise.

I just got back from dinner with my small group, Mexican in case what we consumed is of interest.  I remember how nervous I was the first time I attended the group, as is normal for me, but now it is different.  I am pretty comfortable about some of the people.  I still feel kind of out of place, but not as much as I would have in the past.  Even tho I am still not completely comfortable with the whole group I really look forward to Thursday nights.  I hope I can continue to get to know them all better to develop closer relationships with all the members.

It is kind of crazy how I found a church home in a place where I am in the minority.  It is really something that does not even cross my mind most of the time it is just home.  It one of my places of security that helps me forget my problems and gives me hopes about the future.  I don’t know how to express exactly what it means to me, I am just so thankful that everyone is so wonderful to me.

As I sit here and think about the last two and a half to three years, so much has change, I have changed.  I am still not where I want to be in my life, but I am much better off than I was.  It has been very trying journey, but I have some great people who have been there for me though out.  They not the people I would have said would be there for me if you had ask four years ago, most of those people ended up not being what I thought they were, one more so than all the others.

If you read this blog at all you know I still have a really hard time with some of the things in my life.  I get so very frustrated and even depressed at times, but I would not change what happen.  It sucked at the time, but I had was not right.  Looking back I can see how wrong what was going on really was, and can only imagine where it would have gone if things did not go the way they did.

I know I have been though most of this before, but sometimes I just need to write about how far I have come and some of the great things that are in my life now.

I am really not ready to go back to work…nothing strange about that really, but this time is worse. I think it is because of what I am working on. I have been working on it for pretty much a full week and still have at least another day on it. All that would not be a big deal, the problem comes in the fact that I can only test at most a third of the changes I am making. Leave me feeling not so good, but I have repeatedly told my boss about it so I am hoping he will test the rest like I requested.

Ok I hate screwing up. There are so many things to think about it is hard to me to not miss something. The thought of screwing up paralyzes me a lot of times. I guess I am better about it than I used to be, but it is still something I struggle with a lot. I still don’t know if it is better to try or just not bother. I think in the last few years I have leaned more toward trying, but it is hard.

I don’t know what has happen to live over the last couple of months. It seems like everyone is at a distance. The people who are my rocks feel so far away, I miss them. Life has just been so busy for everyone. A song just came on that reminds me of years ago and friend I had that are basically no longer there. I am so scared that it will happen again.

In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. ~Albert Schweitzer